I hope you didn’t count on any record of favorites from me – liking issues is just not actually my core competence. So, right here is my record of the ten issues I hate most about birding.
Owling
Julius Caesar apparently stated, “I really like treason however hate the traitor”. For me, it’s “I really like owls however hate owling”. See, I’m a morning individual – getting up an hour earlier than dawn isn’t any drawback for me, even when dawn occurs to be at 4 am. However to exit birding after dinner – a horror. That is the time I need to be close to a pc, a beer, a cat, and a mattress – not out within the subject listening to some hen information’s rambles about how “this owl is often very secure right here” whereas I need to inform him to close up and let me go to mattress, ungrateful prick that I’m. Nonetheless, they trick me into going out owling nearly each time, only for the minute probability of seeing certainly one of these flying cats.
Being in locations with out beer
Fortuitously, this occurs pretty hardly ever, and never essentially in locations I’m going to for birding (the longest with out beer in my dwelling reminiscence was for about 16 days in Afghanistan in 2023, and boy, this was a protracted stretch). Nonetheless, it simply occurred to me in some village on Halmahera the place all people is Muslim and thus doesn’t imagine within the magic therapeutic powers of beer. Evidently, I received cranky and blamed the hen information despite the fact that it was totally my fault to not replenish at one other village the place a dependable (and presumably within the eyes of the neighbors, unscrupulous) Chinese language bought the native Bintang beer.
Fellow birders exhibiting me their hen photographs whereas I’m birding
I ought to in all probability put together an indication in a dozen languages (most significantly Chinese language) stating the next: “The explanation why I’m out within the subject now with my digital camera is that I’m attempting to take photographs of birds. It’s not that I’m on the lookout for a possibility to be proven hen photographs taken by different individuals. If I needed to take a look at hen photographs, I might accomplish that from the consolation of my house, with a cat on one aspect and a beer on the opposite – plus, the photographs would probably be higher too. Thanks on your understanding”.
Being informed that “it’s not one of the best season”
There’s something mystical about one of the best season for seeing my goal birds – particularly, every time I’m at a given location, it’s not one of the best season to see that hen. By some means this sounds a bit like Schrödinger’s Cat, although I’ve to confess that I don’t totally perceive the analogy myself. In any case, in such conditions I generally want any person had the braveness to inform me one thing like “It’s precisely the precise season to see this hen – however you might be simply so damned unfortunate”.
People who smoke
Whereas the data that some practices are unhealthy – equivalent to smoking or not utilizing seat belts – has been unfold broadly in some international locations, it’ll nonetheless take a number of a long time to succeed in most of the greatest birding places in locations equivalent to Southeast Asia, regardless of us purportedly dwelling in an age the place data is the brand new black and it supposedly spreads on the pace of sunshine. Which in China can imply I nonetheless need to share a hen blind meant for 10 individuals with 9 heavy people who smoke. Lots of the birds visiting these blinds subsequently die of lung most cancers, after all.
Leaf Warblers and Subspecies
If whereas birding I’m ever going to fulfill a particularly enticing, wealthy, single, clever, and humorous girl who shows a robust curiosity each in leaf warblers and in numerous but similar-looking subspecies of average-looking birds, I’d faux I’m too. In any other case, I can’t be bothered.
Being informed to be affected person whereas ready for a hen
If there may be one factor I’ve by no means been good at and by no means will probably be, it’s to be affected person. This has all the time made the usual job interview query “What’s your best weak point” a bit awkward for me, as admitting to impatience is such a boring and predictable reply that presumably no person makes use of it anymore until they apply for a job for which being boring and predictable is a robust asset (I hear accountants are suggested to provide precisely this reply in job interviews). So, pricey hen information: Don’t inform me to be affected person. Inform the hen to rush up.
Birders who’ve already seen your goal hen – however have seen it higher
You lastly see your goal. You might be glad and happy, and may even point out your sighting to a different birder. Instantly, he (sure, it’s often a he – it’s a testosterone factor) factors out that he has not solely seen the hen – he has seen it 3 times already, as soon as in an uncommon location, as soon as in an uncommon season, and as soon as in an uncommon flock of birds. As killing this man is often not an possibility (there are witnesses), you possibly can solely counter by telling him that he may not have seen this species in any respect, as it’s all too simply confused with one other, rather more widespread species (see my award-winning essay “How Wars Begin” for extra particulars).
Driving as a passenger on a bike
In sure international locations (sure, I’m taking a look at you, Indonesia), bike taxis are nonetheless considered a non-suicidal type of transportation. I are likely to disagree with this over-optimistic assumption – sitting behind a younger native male and holding on to his hips for all times has restricted attraction for me as a heterosexual male. Sadly, generally the birds appear to assemble at spots that may solely be reached this fashion. Birds, you actually ought to be extra thoughtful.
Encountering massive birding tour teams
Admittedly, my love of humankind – significantly its bigger agglomerations – is restricted. So, it comes as a shock to me when birding on a supposedly distant Indonesian island, instantly 4 vehicles cease and about 12 birders who can solely very charitably be described as middle-aged get out. After which hearken to a younger, overconfident, and presumably Australian tour information very loudly mentioning the few birds within the space that also stay after this assault.
I first needed so as to add “birders” to the record as nicely, however possibly that may be a bit too unfavorable even for me …
In fact, birding additionally has its optimistic elements – equivalent to not leaving a lot time for turning into a heroin addict. However I feel it’s higher to cowl these in a separate record. Count on a publication in early 2031.
